LOS ANGELES— Hollywood superstar and presumptive presidential candidate Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson held a press conference today, ostensibly to simply say “what’s up” to everyone who was listening.
“Wow, I really thought he was finally going to announce his intentions to run for president,” said Kate Wheeler, a local reporter. “But no, he just said hello and asked how we were doing in that lovely way, and in general I think we all liked him a little more by the end. It was honestly as much as I’ve enjoyed one in years. But wait, what exactly was it for?
The press conference, announced this morning, saw Johnson release his old wrestling theme tune and share some prepared remarks in front of a hastily assembled press.
“Hey, what’s up, America?” began Johnson’s speech. “I know we’re going through a lot right now, and heck, we’re still going through a lot. And I know it can be difficult. Really damn hard. But I just wanted to say ‘Hey’ and that I hope everyone is fine, and doing well. That will end my remarks for now. Thank you everybody.”
Media pundits were off to the races after the quick press conference.
“He’s running, it couldn’t be more obvious!” exclaimed Bunton Chuster, co-host of the MSNBC show What did they say ? ! “I don’t think he’ll officially announce anything until, oh, I don’t know, the day before the election or anything like that. But he’s been campaigning longer than any of us realize.
“He can understand politics and all that later,” he added.
As of press time, President Joe Biden had challenged Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson to a bare-knuckle brawl for the presidency, with the stipulation of “no funny business.”